Revealing the Structure of Generations
Boys enjoy playing sports and games. When a game ends, a particular boy to boy relationship ends, so they must move on to something else – possibly a new game or a change of location. In contrast, girls see person to person as on-going friendship. For girls the person is more important than the activity. In ‘latency phase’ (6 to 10 years old) girls and boys play separately. At this age, the two genders want different things.
Boys’ desires turn out to be fairly simple. They want to win at games and sports, so boys learn the rules of each game, and devote time to practicing and increasing their skills. Since the rules of games don’t change much and its popularity is sustained, boys typically don’t dig deep into the meaning of what they are doing or worry about their future. Boys can play on different teams and focus only on the game.
In contrast, girls in school get together in cliques and see things personally. Sociologist Valerie Hey (1997) tackled the problem of understanding girls’ ways. Girls do not learn fixed rules; they interact and talk in long term relationships of friendship and commitment. The focus is on each different girl and their differences. Hey gained access to girls in their schools and listened to 11 and 12 year old girls as they talked to her. A particularly interesting pattern was when four or more friends created a clique just for them. The girls had to get along with each other and disagreements that occurred had to be kept as secrets within their group. No girl could be a tattle tale. Different kinds of relationships gave rewards or posed challenges. For example, there was status to be gained from having a ‘best friend’ in the clique. This was a reward of pleasure. In contrast, a girl might have to put up with the punishment of ‘being iced out’ for a week to test of her loyalty and commitment. The biggest hazard was having to deal with a ‘Queen Bee’ bossy girl who, as leader of the clique, used her power to turn all the girls in the clique against each other.
The facts Hey discovered showed girls were learning new and distinctive skills. They understood each other as individuals. They thought about themselves and their future life. Hey describes all girls’ ambitions as ‘desires.’ These provide girls with pictures of their future, recognizing good and bad relationships. Girls’ activities in groups teach them choices about personal life, from absolute necessities to what should not be tolerated at all. Does the different youth of girls turn out to be better or worse than that of boys? Unlike boys with their games, girls do seem to be more future oriented and serious.
Is there one of the sexes we can expect to grow up more likely to lead the next generation? Hey’s research shows how girls in their youth become more mature and look more capable of improving the next generation. We have seen that girls use such things as attraction and rejection signaling. Will knowing what relationships you want guide girls into becoming a new adult generation that shapes a better society?